LADIES NIGHT
appeared in Bust

Lately, my friends have been so busy.  I feel like I never get to hang out anymore.  Because of our jobs, or our relationships, it's just gotten to the point where I never get any real girl bonding time.  Know what I mean?

I finally got sick of it.  So last weekend, I call up all my closest girlfriends and I'm like, "This is what we're doing tonight.  You're coming over to my place.  We're gonna have makeovers, we're gonna eat s'mores, we're gonna watch the Spice Girls concert on pay-per-view, and do a sleepover -- the whole thing."  Well, they loved the idea.  As a matter of fact, my friend Gwyneth suggests we do it at her parents' place, because they are out of town.

That's so like Gwyneth -- generous to a fault.  If anyone is my best friend, it's her.  I met Gwyn at a Learning Annex course, "Disempowering the Female Through the Scents of Calvin Klein," taught by Ivana Trump.  It was an amazing class.  If they offer it again, definitely take it.  

Of course we invite Winona.  Me and Winona are just...kindred spirits.  Like in college, I joined the campus a cappella singing group, and Noni got really into plays. 

And Uma.  Uma is just fucking hilarious.  You never know what's gonna happen when you hang out with her!  Naturally, things aren't the same since that incident in South Beach.  But just because I don't trust her doesn't mean I don't have fun hanging out with her.  Like this time we were at Moomba (third floor, duh), and she tells this waiter, "No, you stick the steak frites up your ass!"

Guess you had to be there.

Gwyneth comes up with the great idea that each of us should be a different Spice Girl.  I'm like, I think that's a great idea, but there's only four of us.  Who should be the fifth?   Gywneth's like, Let's invite Claire. 

Claire's more Gwyneth and Winona's friend, but I'm like, Yes, let's definitely invite her.  Because every time I talk to Claire at a party or something I'm think, Wow, I know I could be really good friends with this girl.  Yes, she's younger than us.  But she's really mature. 

The five of us go shopping to get supplies for the sleep over.  We stop off at the J Sisters Salon on 57th Street to get "The Playboy Wax."  Uma wanted to drop by La Perla and pick up this thong thing that Sharon Stone had told her about.  Then it's off to a facial at Bliss Spa from Marcia.  Gwyneth just walked right in, can you believe it?  The whole day is just really reminding me how wonderful it is to be around friends you really love.

We go to Ricky's to get some Manic Panic 'cause we're gonna dye each other's hair.   While Gwyn and Claire are trying on Mattese makeup, which is pretty good stuff, I pull into Winona into hair care.  I tell her, "I know you wouldn't do it intentionally,  but tonight is girls' night.  I don't want Dave Pirner showing up drunk like last time.  Winona's like, "What do you care?  You're the one who ended up having sex with him."  I'm like, "Hello, I did not have sex with him. I gave him a blow job. That's much different."  Winona's  like, "Fine, Dave's totally stopped stalking me.  It should be okay."  She's cool like that.

We get back to Gwyneth's, and we're all hanging out in the kitchen deciding who gets to be which Spice Girl.  I get to be Sexy Spice, a.k.a. Ginger Spice, because it's my party.   Gwenyth is Scary Spice, Winona's Posh, and Claire is Baby Spice, of course.  Oh, and we make Uma be Sporty Spice, because she's the one that's pregnant and should get used to wearing warm up suits.  Uma  bitches it for like nine years, then lights up a Dunhill.  Claire's like, "Uma, you can't smoke, you're pregnant!"  And Uma's like, "Courtney did smack all through her pregnancy and look how cute Francis bean turned out?"  She has a point there.

Gwyneth checks her voice mail, and pulls me into the hall.  I'm like, "What up, G?"  Gwyneth's like, "Minnie wants to come to the Spice Girls party.  She's in town, staying at the Soho Grand."

I'm like, "Gwyneth Andrea Paltrow, please tell me you did not tell Minnie driver about my Spice Girls party."  Gwyneth goes off on how she and Ben and some people were at the communal table at Asia de Cuba and Minnie was there with like Charlize Theron and they were all  drinking and stuff, so she kind of let the Spice Girls party slip out.

Minnie's nice enough, I guess.  But she's just...not like us.  I don't know how to explain it.  I guess it's like, in a room full of Prada, Minnie's resale Anna Sui. 

So I'm like, "G, there are only five Spice girls. There's not enough room."  And Gwyneth's like, "Well can't we make up another Spice Girl?  Like Happy Spice, or Funky Spice? That's what Minnie can be."  And I'm like, "You can't just MAKE UP a Spice Girl.  No."  Gwyneth's like, "Listen, Minnie's a wreck.  She's still so sad since Matt broke up with her."

It's kind of confusing, so let me back up.  Claire had like this little fling with Matt Damon, then he starts dating Minnie Driver.   Then Gwyneth starts dating Matt's best friend Ben.  Then Matt broke up with Minnie, and Ben set him up with Gwyneth, and it's like, a two-fer. 

So I'm like, "Whatever, Minnie can come. I just hope there's room for her huge angular face."

We're all in the kitchen eating full-fat ice cream when Minnie shows up.  She immediately starts jawing on in her stupid English accent about Piccadilly Circus and the West End and Trafalgar Square, and how she lost all this weight after "Circle of Friends." I can tell everybody is bored, but being nice.  Claire asks Minnie how she lost all the weight.

Well, Minnie starts BAWLING.  She explains that losing weight reminds her of Matt, because he lost all this weight for "Courage Under Fire," and she lost weight for "Circle of Friends," and they were both anemic and taking supplements and that's how they fell in love.  I'm thinking, Oh please.  But to my surprise, Gwyneth and Claire start sobbing all over Minnie.  Even Uma is saying, "Oh, Minnie, I love your name.  I'm gonna name my kid Minnie."

Rightfully so, Winona gets pissed off and leaves. 

I'm thinking, Fuck, fuck, tension breaker.  Who wants to do a shot of ginseng? So I'm like, "Hey guys, let's put away the ice cream, and go upstairs.  The concert is about to start, and they're opening with 'Spice Up Your Life.'  I don't want to miss it."

But Gwyneth's still hugging Minnie.  I overhear her saying, "Minnie, you should be Scary Spice.  I'm like, "Excuse me, but why should Minnie be Scary Spice?"  And Minnie's like,  "Because I'm English, and the Queen Mum, and crumpets..." and on and on and on.

I grab my coat and go out to the garden, where I find Winona having a smoke.    This whole ladies' night is really not going how I planned it.  Winona's pissed, Gwynnie and Minnie are new best friends, Uma's yakking about Tibet or something, and Claire looks like she just wants to run and hide.

Luckily,  I am one of those people who responds really well in  stressful situations.  So I take a deep breath.  Aha, light bulb.   I pull Winona back inside and duck my head in the kitchen.  I'm like, "Hey, I have a surprise.  Come up to Gwyneth's mom's room."  'Cause that's where they have the VCR.

I pop in my copy of the Pamela and Tommy Lee tape (what happened in THAT relationship???), and suddenly, everything is normal.  Gwynnie and Winnie are friends again; Uma's like, "Oh my God, his dick is so BIG!"; and Claire's eyes nearly pop out of her head.  I'm like, "Does Claire need a permission slip to watch this?  I think she does."  I guess it's too much for Minnie's delicate composition, because she goes into the bathroom to throw up or something.

Not a moment too soon, it's Spice Girls time!  I put on my red wig and my platforms, just like Sexy Spice.  They end up opening with "Say You'll Be There."  We're all dancing and singing.  It's so perfect. 

Then the phone rings.

Gwyn picks it up.  She's like, "Hey.  Yeah?  Oh, how are you?"  She frantically waves Winona over so she can listen in.  "Yeah?  Well, I don't know.  We're doing Wendy's Spice Girls thing, so, it's like girl's night.  I don't think so." Winona hits her, like, Are you crazy?  But Gwyn hangs up.

I'm like, "Who was that?"  Gwyneth's like, "That was Ben.  Him and Matt and Skeet and these other guys are all going down to E&O.  But I told him we were doing your Spice Girls thing, so never mind."  I'm thinking, no diggity no doubt, it is ladies' night after all.

But now Gwyn and Win who are paying no attention to the concert.  They're just picking at their pixie hairdos and looking anxious.  I'm like, "Do you guys want to go?"  They're like "No, definitely not, this is girls night, we want to be here with just us..."  Then Gwyneth launches into her 'this is the first time in my whole life I'm not in a serious relationship' speech, about how much she treasures her independence.  And just to prove how independent she truly is, she is gonna go straight to E&O right now and tell Ben that he is not her boyfriend; they are just dating.

I'm like, "Fine."  Gwyneth's like, "Come on, Wendy, it'll be fun.  I'm sure Ben can set you up with Cole or Casey or someone."

I turn to her, and I'm like,

"You know what none of you realize?  These guys will come and go.   But our friendships can last forever.  Think about it.  Who called me in tears when her fiancé broke off their engagement because she cut your hair?"  I turn to Gwyneth, whose mouth is hanging open.  "You did."  I whirl around to face Winona.  "Who flew in from Petaluma, freaking out, when she heard Johnny Depp was lasering off his 'Winona Forever' tattoo, Noni?  It was a long time ago, but you did."  I stare at Uma.  "And, Uma, you don't even like Ethan Hawke.  No one likes Ethan Hawke!"  She can't deny it.  I continue.  I can hear "When Two Become One" lilting from the TV set.

"When you're done with all these guys I know you'll come crawling back to me and want to spend time with me, and we'll say how much we mean to each other and talk about starting a production company together, and say that men suck, and what we should really do is become lesbians, and if we were going to be lesbians we'd be lesbians with each other, not that we'd ever really become lesbians even if we do get a little bi-curious when we smoke a lot of pot.  But there's a lesson to be learned here, from the Spice Girls.  I point to the song that put this super group on the map -- "Wannabe."  Did you ever listen to the words?  Think about it.

If you wannabe my lover
You gotta get with my friends
Make it last forever
Cause friendship never ends

"So if you want to run to E&O with Matt and Ben, and drink Cosmos and not eat your food, then great.  Leave me here with the Biore Pore De-clogging Strips.  But I say: friends first, lovers later.  That is what girl power is all about!"

* * * *

Well, everyone left.  Except for my new best friend, Minnie Driver, who I think is a very very talented and special individual.