SUIT
YOURSELF
appeared on Girlcomic.net
Real life fat suits versus Hollywood
By Wendy Shanker Celebrity Skin
Gwyneth Paltrow wears a fat suit in Shallow Hal.
Julia Roberts wears one in America's Sweethearts.
Brad Pitt is going to wear one on Friends.
Actually, he and Courtney Cox ('scuse me, Courtney
Cox Arquette) will both don fat suits for a
flashback sequence. Personally, I think Courtney
looks a lot better in her fat suit then she
does in her thin suit. When she sports her
thin suit, I always worry that she's going
to cut Matthew Perry's face with her cheekbones.
I also fear that Jennifer Aniston might slice
someone with her razor-sharp, Zone-perfect
nipples. Jenny looks great in her thin suit,
but you know that her fat suit is hanging in
a nearby closet, whispering her name.
As part of a grand sociological experiment,
I have been wearing a fat suit for the past 15
years. Actually, I didn't even notice that I
was wearing a fat suit until freshman year of
college, when my roommate pointed it out. By
now I'm so used to it that I don't even think
of it as a suit anymore - it's more like a second
skin.
In light of the Hollywood-hotties-in-a-fat-suit
fad, journalists have been stepping out in the
tailored tub-of-flub to see what it's like to
feel fat for a day. On Good Morning America,
Lara Spencer got dirty looks for taking a seat
on the bus while wearing a fat suit. Alice Robinson
of London's Daily Mail couldn't find a gown that
went around her pretend pounds at the beauty
shop. Faux-fatty Susanna Galton of The People
was mocked for Supersizing it at a Mickey D's.
Fat Suit
I was shocked to read these reports, because
my experience has been just the opposite. When
I wear my fat suit, I'm the one who is critical!
If someone squeezes in next to me on the subway,
I roll my eyes. But I always take a seat unless
I see an elderly person, kid, or pregnant woman
(who wears an entirely different suit). If
I'm at a hair salon and I can't find a smock
that fits, I complain loudly to the manager.
If the McDonald's Man mocks me, I fix him with
a quick, "Yeah, mofo? Well, at least I
don't work at McDonald's."
Gwyneth said that when she wore her fat suit
around a hip hotel lobby bar, no one even wanted
to look at her! She felt virtually ignored -
for the first time in years. But I get lots of
positive feedback when I'm out and about. Maybe
it's because I wear bright red lipstick and sexy,
low-cut clothes. Or because I like to dance and
sing and laugh. When I say something funny or
smart, which I frequently do, men often turn
to listen. Sometimes I get so much support that
I forget I'm even wearing the suit!
Isn't it weird that I've had such positive experiences
in my fat suit, but Gwyneth and those temporarily
tubby journalists felt insulted or ignored? I'm
not saying that my life is perfect, but it just
doesn't occur to me to blame all my problems
on the suit. It seems to me that it's not the
suit you wear, but how you wear it, that determines
whether or not you're dressed for success.
Wendy Shanker is a TV host on the Oxygen
Network. Her humor celebrity humor pieces have
been published in Cosmopolitan, Teen People,
and Bust, and she is one of Us Weekly's "Fashion Police." She
thinks her celebrity karma will soon kick her
in the ass.
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