BODACIOUS ADVICE
appeared in Grace Magazine

"Selma Koch, a Manhattan store owner who earned a national reputation by helping women find the right bra size, mostly through a discerning glance and never with a tape measure, died Thursday at Mount Sinai Medical Center.  She was 95 and a 34B."
--The New York Times, June 14, 2003

Whenever I dropped by The Town Shop to buy lingerie, I always saw Selma Koch sitting behind the register.  Selma knew that wearing the right bra enhances your best assets.  My best assets are my boobs.

Boobs have been getting short shrift lately.  In the last few years, the favored erogenous zone has shifted from classic chest cleavage down to bare-naked bellies.  What a bummer.  The good ol' bend & snap can't possibly hold its own against flat brown bellies decorated with bling-bling, and jeans cut down to god-knows-where with a thong hanging out.

Why the change?  Well, breasts got boring, I 'spose.  Once "normal" girls started getting implants done - saline, it's not just for Hollywood starlets anymore! - the novelty of ridiculously large, firm breasts wore off.  So celebrities let our gaze travel down to their bellies, where tight, ripped abs became the new erogenous zone.  But once Janet Jackson's six-pack turned into a nine-pack, it was time to take it down even further.  Britney and Christina broke out the hip-huggers, Mariah and J-Lo followed suit...and suddenly hipbones and nether regions became the sexy zone of choice.  With women waxing everything to high hell, someone should be forced to appreciate it.

But when you're of a certain silhouette, you rarely want to do the belly dance.  Basically, if you're over 16 or bigger than a size 0, you can't do the belly dance.  And you shouldn't.  I like to keep what fits into underpants...well, under pants.  Ya know, leave a little something to the imagination.

While everyone is starting downtown at exposed hips and mounds, what are we big-breasted babes to do?  I say we batten down the hatches and hold strong.  When cleavage returns - and it will -- I want you to be ready.  That means that you should be wearing a pretty, well-fitted bra.  It's time to throw out the ones that stick you in the side, and the ones that started out cream-colored, but now look like they're on the wrong side of gray.  If your bra has a hole in the netting that you can stick a finger through, bid it farewell.  If it stinks like a pair of dirty socks (after all, they are such a pain in the ass to wash), bid that brassiere a fond adieu.  Liz Claiborne, Vanity Fair, Playtex, Frederick's of Hollywood, and Lane Bryant have all realized that there is a big market for sexy plus size bras, and are designing them accordingly.

Don't assume that you're going to replace your old dusty over the shoulder boulder holders with new ones in the same size.  Selma Koch would have told you that 3 out of 4 women wear the wrong size bra.  Most of us pick a size in high school and try to stick with it forever.  But just as your clothing size changes, so do your boobs.  So I suggest that you get measured at a real lingerie store.  I recently took my friend Sarah to the Town Shop.  A saleswoman looked her over as we walked in the door and confronted her with, "What size are you wearing?"

"Uh...34 C." 

"You're a 32 D."

"But..."

Sorry, Sarah, it's all boobs, no buts in the Town Shop.  The saleslady followed Sarah right into the dressing room and strapped her into a 32D.  Suddenly she's Boobarella!  They're standing high!  They could knock things over!  She looks like a Fembot!  As well she should.

Once those boobs are in the right place, it gives your bodacious body a whole new look.  You stand a little taller.  You feel a little more aware of your breathing.  And you realize that you gotta work that cleavage when you go shopping for your new fall wardrobe.  V-necks, boat necks, maybe a tight sweater to show off a little.

But what about my flat-chested friends?  If you lack full on rack but long for more, you can go faux.  There are a gazillion gadgets on the markets to make your busty dream a temporary reality.  Or go natural.  Work with what you don't got.  Be grateful you don't have deal with underwires and sweat and shoulder stress.  You get to wear stripes and lines, chest pockets and tailored jackets that flatter you so well.  Or enhance a different favored feature - maybe your body is bootylicious.

Eventually female fashions and male focus will go back to the rack.  And when they do, we'll be well-fitted and ready to rock.